Dear Diary: Part 5

A little over three weeks ago, I broke up with Chocolate Mousse. I can’t even begin to explain where this decision came from. What I can say is that when it was all said and done, real doubt set in. And it wasn’t doubt towards her, it was doubt that I had really walked away from the person I had loved for the last six months.

It may not seem like a long time in some worlds, but to me it felt like I had been with her for years. I let my emotions and so many other things in my head tear me away from what we really had. It’s funny how some things can seem so much bigger than they really are.

What I had to focus on was how she was the first woman who I loved who loved me just as much in return. There were no buts, no strings, she didn’t love me more than I loved her. She loved me the way that I loved her and every day it was getting stronger. She was there for me in ways that no other girlfriend would have ever been. Everything I asked of her in opening up, trusting me, etc, she did. I begged her to let go of her fears and then I walked away. I broke her heart and as someone who only ever wanted to protect her, I will never forgive myself for that.

When I look at her I see my wife, I see the mother of my children. Someone that will love me unconditionally and always put me first. I would do the same for her. Whatever she wants/needs I want to be the one there for her. I want to help make all her dreams come true. I want us to grow together and go through everything as a team. I forgot about that part. I forgot to be a team. I’ve never really been a part of one though and now it’s all I want to be apart of.

I’ve been actively pursuing her again. I let her know how I felt, the huge mistake I made and how much I wanted another chance at what we had. I’ve never been on this side of the fence. I’ve never tried to come back from such a terrible decision before, but I have to throw my pride away and get her back. I gave her my heart and she still has it. I want her to have it forever.

After sharing my feelings and reasons and thoughts about how I got to that point and then listening to hers, she has agreed to try and rebuild what we had. I couldn’t be more grateful. I plan to spend every moment showing her what we had, why it worked and slowly regaining her trust that my mistake will never happen again. I mean, I could never convince her of this, time will only show her.

So this is me, jumping in again. Ready to give her as much time as she needs, ready to be nervous and have a belly filled with butterflies as I try to win her over again. I live for the moment when she can look at me again and trust me whole heartedly. When she can believe my every word without hesitation. When she can get her hopes up about the future we plan together and not worry it won’t work out.

I love her and all I really needed to know from her was that she still loved me too and now, here we go.

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