I’m Sorry…

I’m Sorry for not holding you every night when you sleep,
For not being the shoulder everytime that you weep.
I’m Sorry for working so late and not having a lot of time,
For not being around to protect to like I want from crime.
I’m Sorry for the cold nights that you shiver through alone,
For not really touching you and releasing your moans.
I’m Sorry for the dinners you cook that go uneaten,
For the visits that go by and the next uncertain.
I’m Sorry for the drives you take alone even when it’s raining,
For not looking in your eyes to tell you how you’re adoring and caring…
I’m Sorry not being able to bask in your existence,
I’m Sorry for the distance.

She was here…

If you have been following my blog then even as subtle as I have been with my relationship with CM, you are still aware of two things. One, that I decided to break up with her and two, I couldn’t live without her and started down a rough path to get her back.

Dear Diary: Part 5

A little over three weeks ago, I broke up with Chocolate Mousse. I can’t even begin to explain where this decision came from. What I can say is that when it was all said and done, real doubt set in. And it wasn’t doubt towards her, it was doubt that I had really walked away from the person I had loved for the last six months.

Dear Diary: Part 4

All I need to know is that you love me. I’ll keep trying to right my wrong, I’ll go above and beyond. I know that you still love me… so I’m going to fight for us.

This time…

I was as wrong as I could be
To let you get away from me
I’ll regret that move
For as long as I’m livin

Dear Diary: Part 3

Dear Diary,

I’ve been writing about this over and over and then deleting it over and over. I’ve even deleted this entire post twice. Before this actually posts, I’ll have saved it as a draft and probably let it sit for days.

I have been waiting for peace to come over me about my decision to be single. It hasn’t arrived yet and I can’t help but think, maybe it’s because I made the wrong decision. I truly wake up most mornings with her still on my mind. I’ve asked myself before, “What on earth have you done?” I can’t say that I fully regret it yet. Or that I’ve built the courage to call and say, “I’m an idiot, please let me try again.”

Precious Feelings

I’ve been an asshole recently. I can’t say that I did it intentionally, but it definitely took place. My girlfriend and I were trying to communicate in a specific way. It wasn’t something she was great at but she wanted to try. Just as she committed to it, I felt I was pushing her and didn’t want her to anymore. I didn’t think I should force her. No matter how innocent my intentions were, by asking her not to go forward with it, I completely shut her down and turned her off from wanting to try it again. Isn’t there a saying that goes something like…”the road to ___________ is paved with good intentions”? I really didn’t mean to come off as harsh as I did or make her feel like she shouldn’t try. I really, whole heartedly meant to just not force it and allow her time to actually want to do it. In this quick miscommunication I realized she was fully on board and with me on the other end asking her to stop, it really hurt her feelings.

The G Word

Chocolate Mousse came to visit me. It had only been two months since I last saw her, but I never wanted to let her go. When I picked her up at the airport I went in to my ALL macho mode. I made sure I opened all doors, carried every bag (which you only brought one but required much of my stored away muscles), there was even something about my walk that I felt changed as I held her hand (always on guard…trying to protect her in every way). I wasn’t sure what I thought I was protecting her from. I just couldn’t let anything happen to her.

Wednesday night we got in late from the airport and managed to enjoy each other anyway. It was the most amazing thing to go to sleep with her right there beside me.

For $h@!

Too Soon

“It has only been a short time but I have feelings for her that I’ve yet to define. All I know for sure is that I ‘more than like’ her.”

I’ve asked a few close friends what they thought must come next and of course they all said *clears throat*, you know…that WORD.

It is very frightening to think of feelings that are that strong. Especially, so soon. My sister reminded me today that she’s never afraid to be in love. I suppose I shouldn’t be either.