American Lesbian: The Whatever-Ship

Simone took a deep breath as she looked at herself in the mirror. The love of her life was just in the other room, laying in bed, hopefully naked.

The water on her face was dripping and with it she hoped to wash away her nervous jitters.

It wasn’t working.

Katey had been the object of Simone’s affection for the better part of three years. They met at a poetry club in downtown Detroit while they were out with mutual friends.

They were hot and heavy at first. Every second they were alone they went at each other with a craving that could only be matched by wolves attacking fresh meat. It went on this way for a while until the inevitable happened. Simone looked at her reflection and rolled her eyes at herself remembering when she ruined it.

They were laying in bed after an awesome night of sex, “I think we should take our relationship to the next level,” Simone whispered into Katey’s ear that fell and rose with Simone’s chest.

The conversation was short but left Simone full of thoughts about how their whatever-ship would never be the same. The truth of the matter was that there was no relationship, they were just having fun this entire time. Simone kicked herself then and again now as she stood in her bathroom pacing about the matter. She spent two years sleeping with this woman, hanging out whenever they were free and she even lived for the moments in the middle of the night when Katey would call for a moonlit rendezvous.

She was here…

If you have been following my blog then even as subtle as I have been with my relationship with CM, you are still aware of two things. One, that I decided to break up with her and two, I couldn’t live without her and started down a rough path to get her back.

Reconcile

Nikki stepped out of the cab and smoothed out her clothes for the sixth time since she stepped off the plane. She was so nervous, but somehow she found comfort in making sure her clothes were neat and that she looked okay. Nikki wanted to look more than okay; she wanted to look good enough to get her attention. It had taken her two hours to decide on a pair of tailored jeans and white t-shirt under her favorite cardigan. Her dreads were neatly pulled back into a pony tail and the diamond studs she received for her birthday, in her ears.

The cab driver handed her the suitcase she always traveled with, no matter how dirty it got, and she paid him the fee and gave him a nice tip. As the cab drove away, Nikki looked over her shoulder briefly, almost second guessing her next move. She knew it was just her nerves. Anyone would be nervous right? Showing up at someone’s house un-announced, was not easy. She took a deep breath and walked towards the front door.

Dear Diary: Part 5

A little over three weeks ago, I broke up with Chocolate Mousse. I can’t even begin to explain where this decision came from. What I can say is that when it was all said and done, real doubt set in. And it wasn’t doubt towards her, it was doubt that I had really walked away from the person I had loved for the last six months.

Dear Diary: Part 3

Dear Diary,

I’ve been writing about this over and over and then deleting it over and over. I’ve even deleted this entire post twice. Before this actually posts, I’ll have saved it as a draft and probably let it sit for days.

I have been waiting for peace to come over me about my decision to be single. It hasn’t arrived yet and I can’t help but think, maybe it’s because I made the wrong decision. I truly wake up most mornings with her still on my mind. I’ve asked myself before, “What on earth have you done?” I can’t say that I fully regret it yet. Or that I’ve built the courage to call and say, “I’m an idiot, please let me try again.”

What would you do…

I was in the shower the other day and this song came on my Laura Izibor pandora station. It’s actually by Laura Izibor and one of my favorites. I’ve always enjoyed this song, but at this moment, my girlfriend was heavily on my mind. So I think that’s why as the words came across my mind, I began having a conversation with myself. I thought I would share my thoughts here. I kind of tried to go back and forth imagining my girl singing this song to me. What would my response be? Also, what parts would I want to sing to her. I wonder what she’d say in return.

We gotta make it work

When you are in a relationship, how do you know when you’re doing enough? I mean, no one wants to be caught slippin on their pimpin. I always want to know my girl is completely satisfied with me and that there are no worries. I wonder if I’m even being realistic though.

Being in a long distance relationship is probably a little more complicated in this area. I still want to always know that my girl is completely satisfied with me and that there are no worries. Is this possible? I’m not asking for us to be perfect. However, being 22 hours away requires work and if you aren’t ready to put in the work, punch out before lunch. I thank God that the two of us are on the same page more often than not.

In thinking about how we are going to make it the rest of this last year apart, I think of who we are and the things I know we are capable of.

Precious Feelings

I’ve been an asshole recently. I can’t say that I did it intentionally, but it definitely took place. My girlfriend and I were trying to communicate in a specific way. It wasn’t something she was great at but she wanted to try. Just as she committed to it, I felt I was pushing her and didn’t want her to anymore. I didn’t think I should force her. No matter how innocent my intentions were, by asking her not to go forward with it, I completely shut her down and turned her off from wanting to try it again. Isn’t there a saying that goes something like…”the road to ___________ is paved with good intentions”? I really didn’t mean to come off as harsh as I did or make her feel like she shouldn’t try. I really, whole heartedly meant to just not force it and allow her time to actually want to do it. In this quick miscommunication I realized she was fully on board and with me on the other end asking her to stop, it really hurt her feelings.

The G Word

Chocolate Mousse came to visit me. It had only been two months since I last saw her, but I never wanted to let her go. When I picked her up at the airport I went in to my ALL macho mode. I made sure I opened all doors, carried every bag (which you only brought one but required much of my stored away muscles), there was even something about my walk that I felt changed as I held her hand (always on guard…trying to protect her in every way). I wasn’t sure what I thought I was protecting her from. I just couldn’t let anything happen to her.

Wednesday night we got in late from the airport and managed to enjoy each other anyway. It was the most amazing thing to go to sleep with her right there beside me.

My First

I’ve reached a critical point in my courtship with Chocolate Mousse that has me wondering where things will go from here. It has only been a short time but I have feelings for her that I’ve yet to define. All I know for sure is that I “more than like” her.

So what comes after courtship? Relationship! Duh duh duhhhhhh…

Sounds pretty scary right? I mean the commitment, the responsibility, the work. All things that I would have to be willing to do because in my mind she would be worth it. Yes, I see that for us in the future.